What really happens after fifty?

Turning fifty is rather a remarkable milestone today. As life expectancy continues to increase, it is no longer considered old, but it certainly used to be.

I remember when my own parents turned fifty. At the time, I somehow felt that they might only have a few years left.

Today, everything is different. Many people have thirty or even forty years ahead of them when they turn fifty. Yet very few seem to stop and think about how they intend to live those years.

People set themselves all kinds of goals around the age of fifty. It is actually quite amusing to watch who goes to the gym.

The largest group is young people trying to find a partner.

Then there is another fairly large group who are going through a divorce and are preparing to get back on the market.

And then there are always a few who suddenly decide to get into shape because they want to look good for their fiftieth birthday.

But what happens after fifty?

Life begins to change.

For most of us, raising children is largely behind us, and those still living at home have become independent enough to live their own lives.

Our work has often changed as well. For some, the responsibility has increased. For others, it has decreased. Some continue doing the same repetitive job year after year, while those who have lost their jobs discover that finding a new one becomes increasingly difficult because their date of birth is no longer working in their favour.

At the same time, our parents have grown old and now need supervision and care.

Our circle of friends has changed as well.

Childhood friends disappeared as life took us in different directions. Others came through work, which itself may have changed over the years. Some moved away, while others became ill or even passed away.

Historically, men have probably had fewer opportunities to maintain close friendships.

Most of us have no problem with our wives maintaining their friendships, yet if we suggest meeting a few old friends ourselves, people often assume it must involve drinking.

Some men get divorced and then find themselves trying to turn the clock back in an attempt to recover some part of their former life.

People sometimes joke that men divorce because they have found another woman, while women divorce because they have found themselves.

Personally, I think many men at this stage of life are simply trying to find themselves.

They are not necessarily looking to become younger.

They are trying to become better.

Health issues also begin to appear.

Recovery from injuries becomes slower, and strength gradually declines. Sometimes hormones play a part. Men also go through a kind of midlife hormonal transition, although very little is said about it.

Lifestyle-related diseases begin to appear, yet many men pay surprisingly little attention to these changes.

I have often asked male patients what medication they are taking. Some of them simply point towards their wife and suggest I ask her instead—even when I ask why they are taking those medications in the first place.

Perhaps that tells us more than many scientific studies ever could.

Our stamina and endurance decline as well.

Men who once managed three nights of celebrating in a row and recovered after a single day now need three days to recover from one good evening.

That is simply how it is.

By the time men pass fifty, they have usually accumulated a great deal of life experience and are often financially better off than they were before.

Yet society speaks surprisingly little to men at this stage of life.

That does not mean they have stopped asking themselves about purpose.

As the years go by, men naturally begin to fear losing their health and, with it, their independence. But independence is not only about health. It can also be about financial security.

Many lose part of the purpose that came from providing for their family and being respected for their work.

Some lose the partner who has been the other half of their life.

Others begin to feel that they are losing the respect of those around them, and perhaps even worse, they fear becoming a burden.

Why are so many men alone with these thoughts?

Probably because we are not used to talking about them.

We are used to letting our actions define who we are, and many of us still regard opening up to other men about what lies beneath the surface as a sign of weakness.

Sometimes I feel as though I am sitting in a room full of older men where everyone says they are doing just fine, while inside their own heads they are all asking exactly the same questions.

The same worries.

The same search for purpose.

Of course they continue seeing their friends, but they rarely talk about what matters most.

Women have generally been better at working through their problems by talking about them, whereas we men have often believed that gritting our teeth and carrying on would be enough.

Perhaps sometimes it was.

But not always.

As the years pass, many men also gain weight and try one diet after another, usually without much long-term success.

They do not see themselves in a traditional gym.

They may go swimming, but mostly to sit in the hot tub rather than swim.

Some even feel embarrassed about trying a new form of exercise because they think life has passed them by and that it is simply too late to start.

They go fishing or play golf.

Both involve pleasant walks and good company, often strengthened by a few drinks.

But that alone is not enough to maintain bone density and muscle mass.

I believe that the greatest challenge after fifty is not becoming younger.

It is becoming more curious.

Realising that there may still be an extraordinary amount of life ahead.

Having the courage to try new things.

Growing older without becoming old.

Because otherwise there is a real danger that we stop living long before we die.